Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Wishful Thinking

I've hit a stumbling block in my appreciation of what blogging and writing and journaling can actually do.

It's not so much at the competency level - or the logical one - but more the social repercussions (both good and bad) and the universe of expectancy - or wishful thinking - that begets or is begotten from the act of writing said blog.

Who is reading this? Who isn't reading this? Who do I want to read this? Who do I wish just wouldn't?

After which then follows - then why am I writing this? And why am I writing it here? If there is actually a level of consciousness within me that deigns and feigns to think and hope that if there was a person who I didn't want to read this - that in this realm of the internets - would it actually be plausible to believe that it's possible that they never will read it?

There is then - the flipside to this - which brings up the ideas of self-importance and the ego.

For is the above wishful thinking on its head? Because - who's to say anyone's reading at all? Who I am to believe that I, or this post, or what I have to say is of any importance or need or curiosity to that of another person? Or moreso the person whom I suppose is reading it?

And so - my unblock has found a piece of the block in the way again - because once again i'm not sure to write - or more succinctly - what I am supposed to write here.

Because: this blog IS read by friends, IS read by strangers, IS pretty much tied to my real self, of which my real self is quite easy to determine should one bother to want to know and find out...

... and maybe what I am ready to write, want to write, wish to write... is actually much more private, with a side dish of curiosity of receipt.

And perhaps it's not so much about writing at all, or writing a blog - but simply moreso - writing in THIS blog - and what type of writing should go here.

And so - "block piece" - kicked away - because I realize now I probably need a NEW blog for the new stuff - and leave this for the real me when the real me wants to write something real.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Sometimes starting again...

...just requires starting.

And so I did. Fully admit it required me almost feeling entirely lost unto myself to get there - and possibly knowing that I'm not leaving this rip-torn realm anytime soon - but I welcome with open arms the feeling of warmth and release it is bringing me - if only for slight moments while the darkness encroaches further still.

I'm writing again... that's all that matters. Apparently happiness is not an emotion to induce greatness from me - but to be honest, I don't really care. The subsisting was worse - the false happiness - the false "fine". What a ridiculous wish of life - to simply be.

I'll be honest, as I do hope I do not lose my other loves in pursuit of finding this one again - but I need it - now more than ever. So ashamed of how far I drifted, so angry at what I've let others do to me - make me feel - allowed to present of myself as myself when really they know nothing at all.

I am so much more than this shell I've become - to look into the past and see a fuller life than that which exists now is pitiful.

There is no one else to blame but myself - while the effects feel as if from outside forces - it is only I alone who let them have the power that they think they have - for no one has any power except that which you give them.

This is but one arm of my power - I lost it but it chose to find me again - it chose to give me a second chance - and it begs me not to become again that which I was only a day ago. I am on a new road now - even if only the first step has been taken.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

This is London: Day 1

Yes!!! Vacation!!! And just in time – my head is swirling with way too many things that have to do with work and responsibilities – I need some time to just relax, rewind, unwind, unload and forget.

And what better way than to run across the big bad pond and drop right into Londontown!!

Terminal 1
This is my first time running through the new Terminal 1 at Pearson in Toronto – very posh indeed. And while I sort of totally understand and actually like the self-service kiosks – they are also a bit cumbersome to use when you’re lugging 2 or more bags.

Only Terminal 1 downfall? The Tim Horton’s is only a half service desk – no breakfast sandwiches for me! Sigh. I switched allegiance and went to the Starbucks for my iced tea lemonade and a scrumptious slice of Lemon Poppy seed cake.

Late Plane
While all the digital displays and lovely airport personnel insisted our flight was on time – you kind of know your plane is late when it is isn’t even attached to the gate deck and the flight staff are all waiting at the door with their luggage. But – c’est ca – I just settled down to play with my iPhone until something drove up.

Pod People
When we did finally get on our way – we were pleased to find our place was a fairly nice one. First class was made up of all these individual pod sections where you can actually sleep lying down, have your own personal flat screen TV and a footstool for added storage.

Not of course that we were in those seats – we just got to walk past them. However – our economy class digs weren’t too bad either. Even though our seats were labeled A and C – Mom and I were alone in a two-seater on the left side with a window and aisle – and everyone had their own personal TV/movie system with a ton of stuff to watch. Legroom was pretty decent, as was storage space. So much better than my last trans-Atlantic flight with Air Transat – need to remember that for the next time.

After we were settled in, the captain let us know that the wings needed de-icing – which while I know is a damned consistent occurrence on flights in our weather – it still makes me nervous. By now we were pretty late and I believe the waiting around for de-icing took at least 30 minutes more – someone didn’t want us to get to London anytime soon.

Movie Time
Good thing the entertainment system was already up and running – time to settle in for a movie! Only problem was – I picked District 9 to start with since I hadn’t seen it yet. I got through about 25 minutes of it and couldn’t take it anymore. Watching a movie yourself in an enclosed space with headphones is NOT the ideal way to watch a movie that both slightly scares you and grosses you out at the same time. I had to give up by the time Wikus decides to settle on his first round of cat food.

Instead, I then settled on two mindless movie runs, to get the weird visions out of my head, and watched Harry Potter again, and then Twilight for the third time in my life.

Air Canada: -1
Only really crappy part of the flight: the food. Air Canada needs to seriously get with the program. Even Air Transat rocked in the food department. I barely kept the food on this flight down. Thank God for my earlier delight in lemony goodness.

Tons of babies – silent!
Twisted recurrence on this trip: lots of babies – but every single one of them silent. Not a peep through the whole flight – someone above was finally on my side!

Finally – in London
Well – in the end the flight went quite well with only a few rounds of turbulence. Ica met us at Heathrow and we took a supremely long ride on the Tube to her area at Holloway. However – to my delight – I reacquainted myself with the wonderful lady’s Tube voice that I love so much – and on the perfect line too as Holloway in on the Piccadilly Line. Ask H-Rabbit – I love saying, “Now arriving at Piccadilly Circus, on the Piccadilly Line!” H-Rabbit – I’ve got the accent down pat now! As the ride was supremely long, and during the last round of trains for the night – we picked up quite a few people who apparently didn’t really care that they chose to sit on our luggage. London is way too packed with people. Torontonians need to experience this to remember how good we have it – even during rush hour.

Walking, Walking, Walking
I forgot my sister’s love of walking – and I forgot how deep down the Tube stations actually are. To get out at Holloway you need to ride the escalator that resembles the stairway to heaven, it’s that freaking tall. I have no idea what happens when all these escalators break down cause there aren’t any stairs at all.

Coming from -17 degree Toronto with the wind-chill – London’s 5 degrees is definitely balmy – though you can tell it’s much more damp and dingy here – the cold seeps into your bones and my hair is a permanent frizz ball.

Home Sweet Home – for 10 days
We get to Ica’s place, which is really quite nice. We meet her roommate Alex who is actually packing up to leave the next morning to head back to the States for the Christmas break. We quickly gather round the kitchen eat some of Ica’s peanut-butter chicken noodles (quite good actually despite the name and ingredients) because the plane food was so horrible. She also made some homemade Oreo cookies – those did not turn out as well. We trashed the inside and settled for the outer cookies alone, which were at least edible. Then it was time for bed – though Jessica snuck in some painting too as she had to finish Alex’s going away present before she took off the next morning.

Yay Londontown – can’t wait to get started!!

Friday, December 11, 2009

Begin Again

Here’s the thing. It’s not that blogging baffles me, or confounds me, or makes me wig out, or does anything to make me want to avoid it. It just simply takes time that I never seem to be able to find, and therefore I stop blogging. And then – for that reason – I usually get inundated, by the digital-social world that I exist in, with an inordinate amount of comments about how I’m doing it all wrong. Phooey.

So – before I begin again – because that is what I am about to do – I guess I need to figure a few things out – and blogging about them seemed like the most appropriate thing to do.

1. I will blog when I blog.
Not every day. Not in sequence. Not covering absolutely everything. Not covering everything I take a photo of. I will simply blog… when I blog.

2. I will not feel guilty for only blogging when I blog.
My biggest regret is that writing – which usually brings me release and joy – will become tedious and difficult. Mundane and indifferent. Writing to write but not to write for myself.

3. I will write as I write.
I will not improve to some random stranger’s, or group of random strangers’, beliefs about what blogging should be. I will not change my blogging even at the imploring begs of friends. I will not update for the sake of updating. I will not write just about one topic. Nor just as a diary. Nor just as social media commentary. Nor just as a photo blog. I will simply write, as I write.

4. I will be content.
There is no best I am trying to reach – there is only difference, and more. The best that I can be is my everyday – and if it isn’t good enough for someone else – they should probably write their own.

5. I will re-find my 14-year-old self.
Simply because – it seems she was damned good writer – much better than the me that exists now.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Begin again.

Thursday, September 18, 2008


Okay... so the title was my only throwback to pre-teenage-dom - I promise not to get riled up anymore through the post. Hehehehe.

Anywho - tonight was a pretty awesome night - regardless of what anyone thinks, feels or has an opinion on by way of NKOTB.

My friend Chele, from With One L, bought our tickets months ago, and in fact was going to every show in this run of concerts they are doing in Toronto. She's a huge fan and was a great partner to enjoy the night with.

We started off the night by meeting up with a group of fellow fans that Chele had met online through a few forums and groups for fans. They were an amazingly excited and lively group, and it was fun to meet all the new people. Many had come from all over the United States since this was the very first concert on their tour.

We all had a good meal at the Firkin and many of the girls caught up, met each other for the first time, brought their husbands, and listened to the radio show that was playing that some of them had attended earlier in the week.

After - we then all headed to the concert together - our tickets were all scattered - and some people had amazing seats right in the front row - but all of us faired pretty well with our seating - and it hadn't cost that much at all.

I absolutely adored the boys when I was younger - I had only been about 12 or 13 - and my favourite had been (and still is) Joey Joe. You don't forget your "first loves" and he was definitely one of mine. I never really cared for the rest of the band as much - mine was all about Joe and the music.

And yeah - I can hear some of you readers groaning... but seriously - it may not have been for everyone - but their music back then was the life chorus of an entire generation, or two, of pre-teen and teenage girls.

The concert was an amazing reminiscence of those feelings from that time. Throughout the entire night - I was amazed at how easily I remembered all the lyrics and knew how each song went.

In addition - their new material proved amazing - and just as good as anything else being developed on the pop scene right now. Catchy tunes, simple lyrics dealing with emotions, and well - a bunch of guys that haven't held up too badly for a bunch of 40-year-olds.

The energy in the ACC was absolutely amazing - so powerful - and believe it or not - the place was sold out. I don't think I've ever been to either the ACC or Skydome and actually seen that play out. Not a single empty seat in the house.

The guys played up the fact that we were "all" now adults - and the show proved pretty hilarious at points - I don't think there's been any other gathering of so many 30-40 year old in one place ever.

Natasha Beddingefield opened the night, and we weren't allowed to bring any awesome cameras - so I was left with my shitty, old point and shoot. I really need to get a new one - the shots Chele got with hers were jsut as good as anything I could get with my SLR (if they had allowed me to bring it in). Mine however is a good deal too old and my pictures are akin to a drunken man's view of the concert. Ha!

Anyhow - I've spread some of the shots that I took through the blog - even though they're so awful. I also took a few videos. Pretty short clips but I'm probably not going to post them. Maybe later - who knows. :)

The night was good - and I'm glad I didn't miss out on it. So many memories brought back - and so many new ones to remember as well.

Monday, September 8, 2008

It's all about the light...

Since photography really isn't a main focus right now - spending on the hobby doesn't rate too high on my list though I'm still dreaming of the day that I can get my hands on a proper Canon Mark II.

In the meantime - I'm trying to solve little problems with little solutions to aid the level of photography I need for other ventures.

While I was awesomely impressed with so many of the pictures we took in Europe - I was highly disappointed in the turn out of the pictures I've been taking at these last few weddings I have been to.

I realized then that the reason was very much the difference in ratio of outdoor shots to indoor shots. And on indoor shots - our camera just isn't doing well unless using a tripod on a severely slow shutter speed.

We tried working with the onboard flash - but no matter what setting we had it at - it always created severe flash tunnel, as well as flash out. The harsh light just isn't manageable. Also - taking pictures of Wynnie girl always ended with her fur shining and harsh and reflecting back - making for not so nice photos.

In an attempt to 'diffuse' the issue - I bought a small onboard camera flash diffuser called the Puffer from Gary Fong.

While helping a little bit however - it still didn't do the job.

So what was left? Buying a 'real' and good separate flash. However - cash is simply not in the pot for that right now.

So in the end - it was lady luck who came to the rescue. In combing through our condo and doing a little fall cleaning - we managed to find an old flash that H-Rabbit used to use with her film camera back in highschool. Luck being in a good mood - she even provided batteries and ensured the flash was compatible with our Canon Rebel's shoe.

The result - voila above! One of the best round of pictures I've been able to take of Wynnie where her fur actually looks like it does in real life. No glare, no bounce, rich colour and a very soft picture - and I only diffused with the flash's own diffuser layer.

Can't wait to get the chance to use it more in a few other indoor settings. Too bad I hadn't found it earlier - all my wedding pictures would be ten times better!

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Congratulations Michelle & Michael!

This year definitely proved the summer of weddings. This time the event was quite emotional... but the story probably a little too close to my heart and complicated to write about plainly here.

Suffice it to say - I was extremely glad to be able to witness this day and share in Michelle and Michael's celebration of their love for one another. Such a journey that has been traveled to reach this point.

The day posed so many questions for me - and resolved some issues as well - in ways that I did not expect, in places that were the last I believed could bring the answers that they did.

It was also good to share the day with wonderful friends who were also present for the celebration.

It is quite possible that life may not have me seeing much more of their journey ahead of them - but I wish them well, and wish them love, and am open to the world of possibility and whatever God wishes may come in the future.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Overnight shoot... no pictures to show

As with most things tied into my work - there's not much proof I'm allowed to proffer for the work entailed. Last night was more of the same... or should I say this morning?

Pyjamas joined me for this one - which had us leaving work early - grabbing some zzzzs - waking up around 2am and then heading for our destination for 3am.

Let me say now - the night was planned over and over with tons of detail - and as per usual Murphy's Law - nothing went to plan.

Our location wasn't expecting us - the schedules events didn't occur - and our guide showed up late. Did I mention our audio failed to deliver and I didn't have anywhere near the type of lighting I needed to take decent shots.

Regardless... I shot off a couple hundred pics to try and get a good basis for the project ahead of us.

Overnight shoots - are never worth it. Not unless booze, grass, friends and a week to recuperate are involved.